A #FlawlessTalk on Maternal Mental Health
Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week is a time to celebrate the beauty of new life, but it is also an opportunity to speak about the realities many new moms face. The transition to parenthood can be one of the loneliest and most overwhelming seasons of life.
Recently, we sat down with Fiamma van Biema, a medical student applying for OBGYN residency, for a #FlawlessTalk. Read below for some key takeaways from our conversation, or watch the full talk on YouTube.
Reclaiming the Village
We’ve all heard the proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but Fiamma notes that in modern Western society, that village has often dissipated. Nuclear families are more insular, and extended families are often geographically or emotionally scattered.
“The village isn’t just family,” Fiamma explains. “It’s neighbors, siblings, schools, and religious institutions. These are the building blocks that help a mother adapt.”
Research shows a decline in maternal mental health between 2016 and 2023, coinciding with this loss of communal support. Community isn’t a luxury; it’s a survival strategy.
Breaking the “Illusion of Perfection”
In the age of Instagram and TikTok, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only parent struggling while everyone else lives in a curated world of clean houses and sleeping babies.
Fiamma calls this what it is: An illusion.
Pro-tip: Curate your feed and surround yourself with people who share the “messy in-between.”
- The 1/100th Rule: Remind yourself that you are seeing a tiny, polished fraction of someone else’s reality.
- Use technology for good. The Beacon Postpartum app shows you a map of every other parent awake at 3:00 am for a feeding and reminds you that you are not alone.
Understanding “Matrescence”
Why does this transition feel so life-altering? Fiamma points to a term coined in the 1970s: Matrescence.
Matrescence is the profound, multifaceted process of becoming a mother, encompassing physical, hormonal, psychological, and social changes, similar to the transition of adolescence. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and recently revived, the term describes the developmental “rite of passage” through pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period.
Much like adolescence, matrescence is a massive developmental shift. It involves physical, social, emotional, and psychological changes. Yet, while we give teenagers plenty of tools and “grace” for their transition, we often expect new mothers to just “know” how to do it. By naming the experience, we validate that the struggle isn’t a personal failure; it’s a predictable human transition.
How to Actually Help a New Mom
New parents are often too exhausted to even identify what they need from friends or loved ones. Fiamma suggests the “Menu of Support” approach (inspired by advocate Cameron Oaks Rogers):
Send a text saying: “I am yours from 2:00 PM to 4:00 PM. I can do the dishes, hold the baby while you nap, or take your older child to the park. Which one works best?”
This removes the “decision fatigue” and provides actual relief.
What does a #flawlessworld mean to Fiamma?
To Fiamma, a “flawless world” isn’t one without struggles. It’s a world where we live genuinely, where we are generous with our support, and where we remember that nothing is eternal.
If you are in a “low” right now, remember: the roller coaster goes back up. You aren’t failing; you are transitioning. And you don’t have to do it alone.
